Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I'm back

So, um, ya - it's been oh around 18 months...give or take.

Let me explain. Life, kinda, happened to us. So the summer of 2010 was pretty rough on us money wise. A LOT of my medical bills started rolling in and it became very apparent that I needed to get a job. So, I did. I started working for some friends of ours as their office manager. They own an automotive repair shop - and I know nothing about cars except you are supposed to put oil in them and gas in them. And that is about it - so there was a VERY large learning curve there. It was also a really big adjustment for me, the kids, and the husband.

Then, we found out we were pregnant. VERY UNEXPECTEDLY I might add. And that was all fine until Valentines Day of 2011. I had my 12 wk ultrasound and heard the words that no woman ever wants to hear. "We see some things with the baby that we find to be VERY concerning." They talked to us about Down Syndrome, Klinefelter's syndrome, Trisomy 18, Edwards Syndrome, and myriad other BAD things. We held out hope through 2 more ultrasounds before deciding to do that amnio and just know. The results took 2 weeks to come back and when they did, it wasn't good news. Our baby girl had Down Syndrome, 2 cystic hygromas, and other problems. We lost her at 15wks gestation on March 5th. That was a very, very dark time for me. I was lucky to immediately seek therapy and I truly believe that if I hadn't I would not be here today. Even with therapy it has been a touch and go kind of year for me. The first weeks were, well, there really aren't words that adequately describe what that was actually like. I think of her every day. And I cry only every other day now - sometimes I even go a couple of days without the tears. So I know I'm doing better. But I did not have it in me to write. I didn't have it in me to do a good many things.

But I think I am beginning my journey up out of that darkness. I am fearful of Valentines day now and of March because of the pain of those days. But I am trying really hard to embrace the pain and FEEL it. To feel it is the only way to get through it and beyond it. So that is what I'm doing now. I may find myself writing about it in the coming days - I hope I can find some catharsis here.

In the meantime Max turned 5 and started preschool at the elementary school he will be attending. He loves it. Piper is 2 1/2 now and talking. She attends daycare while I work. And Alec is 14 now, in 8th grade, and full of teenage attitude. Heaven help me.

I have a ton of projects that I would like to accomplish this year in our home. I hope to document and share the experiences doing that here.


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