What are you waiting for?

Seriously - what are YOU waiting for?

For most of my life, I had things I wanted to do, accomplish, see, buy, make, etc, etc, etc...
Sound familiar? I always had plans to do or get or whatever these things...some day...

Last summer I had my third child, my little girl, and woke up the next week with Bell's Palsy.
Half my face was gone. It didn't work. I could no longer smile. I could no longer blink. I couldn't speak well. Eating was a challenge and I wouldn't drink anything in front of anyone else because much of what I put in my mouth would fall out the paralyzed side. It was embarrassing. Humiliating. Frustrating. Heart rending.

Until a couple of weeks later when they sent me for a routine brain MRI (standard protocol for Bell's patients). They called me to tell me they saw a brain tumor - unrelated to the Bell's. Three MRI's later and they had found a total of 3 tumors; 2 in the brain - both benign, and 1 behind my right eye. None related to the Bell's. The benign tumors in my brain still have to be watched b/c if and when they begin to cause problems (if they keep growing) then they have to come out. In 2 separate brain surgeries. The one behind my eye - they aren't sure if it is benign or not yet. They have to keep monitoring it. Best case scenario is that I just go blind in that eye. Slowly. Worst case is that it is malignant, grows aggressively, and will have to be removed - along with my right eye.

All of a sudden the Bell's wasn't so awful.

Just so you know, I am 37. I am healthy. I don't take any pills for anything other than a multi-vitamin. I am 106 pounds. We eat healthy. We are active. I don't smoke.
By all reason none of this should be happening to me. I never saw this coming - not in my wildest dreams.

But it still happened to me.

There is still a TON of this stuff that is unknown. The doctors simply can't tell me exactly how any of this will play out.

Here's what I want anyone who is actually still reading this to take away - stop waiting on tomorrow.

Seriously. Stop waiting. GO DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANT TO DO. Tomorrow may not come or if it does it may not arrive like you thought it would. Stop waiting on some day.

Make your life like you want it NOW. Live your life. Live it now. Please don't wait.

Enjoy it. Live it. Appreciate it. Notice the small things. SMILE. Show gratitude. Be mindful. Be humble. 

And don't take a second of it for granted.

I am Grateful

I *am* grateful. Every.Single.Day. that I wake up and breathe I am thankful for it. You should be too. I'll tell you why. Be thankful you can see and be thankful you can smile. It is all too easy to get caught up in the every day BS around us and forget what actually matters.

I usually talk about this stuff over here at my other blog but today, I just felt like part of what I had to say was about my kids and it needed to be said on this blog - my mommy/kid blog.

Last week I had to go and see my Neuro Surgeon and have my MRI. I have 3 Meningiomas. They found them while doing an MRI for the Bell's palsy I got right after my little girl was born. The Bell's robbed me of my smile and the Meningiomas robbed me of my peace of mind. Now, that being said, Meningiomas are benign brain tumors. Yes - it is WONDERFUL that they are benign. However, benign is really a misnomer because it just means that they are not actively attacking the brain. They are still in there and they can still grow. You can see pictures of them over here.  If they grow large enough they can begin to cause me all sorts of problems and then would need to come out. Also, they are too far apart to get at once - so I would need 2 separate brain surgeries.

So last week I had to go have another MRI done to see what was happening inside my brain. Turns out the tumors do not show any "significant growth" since my last MRI back in October. That is great news and I credit this for making it possible. However, the third tumor may or may not be a Meningioma. It is located on my right optic nerve sheath. It may be a Glioma. Pretty much anything with -oma attached to the end of it sucks ass. If it is a Meningioma it will either continue to grow very slowly and eventually rob me of my sight in the right eye OR it could just stop growing altogether leaving my vision as it is right now - compromised but there.

Gliomas are a bit different. They almost always occur in children. When they occur in adults they are usually very aggressive. The doctors don't know exactly which I have yet - they have to continue to do MRI's and watch and see what it does. They can't biopsy it because of where it is located which is what also makes it inoperable. Or rather if they did operate on it - I would be blind in my right eye immediately because they would have to remove my optic nerve. I just found out there that IF it is a Glioma -  I wouldn't just loose my vision in that eye, which I thought was the worst that could happen, I would most likely loose my eye.

Now, some people would say that should have always been obvious to me - why didn't I see (haha) that earlier. I'll tell you because I didn't. I just did NOT realize that was an option. To me going blind in that eye was bad enough - it never occurred to me that it could get worse.

In high school, during our senior year I was voted prettiest eyes. I love my eyes. I love that they are green with yellow and gray flecks in them. I love the shape of them - almond. I don't want to loose my eye. I don't want a glass eye. I want my eyes. Both of them.

And then the other night a friend of mine posted a link on Facebook to this site. But let me warn you - don't go there unless you have a good deal of Kleenex and nowhere you need to be soon. Their little girl is dying of cancer right in front of them. I can not imagine what that child must physically be enduring or what those parents are emotionally enduring on a day to day basis. It is, to me, in a word - unfathomable.

I read a couple of pages and got up and went into my room. Those pages were all I could take at that moment. I have only truly knelt to pray a couple of times in my life. The other night I hit my knees next to our bed and prayed and wept. I cried for that little girl, I cried for her family, and I cried for her parents. I prayed for all of them.

And then I thanked God that those things were not happening to us. I thanked God that if we had to have the Bad Things, they were happening to me and not my children.


It has always been a bit odd to me that I have 3 tumors and I have 3 children. Coincidence? I don't know. Maybe I have one for each child - payment made in advance for them. I would gladly have it be that way. If this must happen then yes, it should be me. Yes, the tumors suck. And yes, they are a lot to go through. But, I got to have 37 years of good vision. With 2 eyes. I got to see my children. And they are healthy and happy and growing. And that makes me, even with everything going on, blessed beyond measure and very, very grateful.